aaahhhh! i'm stuck in this deafening madness called white privilege/feminism, HELP!

that's right, how do i get out of this mess? christ. can't i be one who fights against something a bit more noble like being plagued by a child with autism, or having lost it all in a fire? i mean really? i have to worry about what to wear to work. i have to beat myself up over not going that extra step to really, really find the clothes that would work best. ugh. is life always a struggle? christ. if it's not this, then it's something else. someone recently said, (the the mass media), that Americans don't know how to enjoy pleasure. and, fucking a-, i hear that. oh no, can't just be thankful for what i have and rage with it, no, have to make it hard whatever it is and find something wrong, because life isn't supposed to be this easy, right? the minute you give in to it, the shit hits the fan, right? life is supposed to be hard, right? i guess these are the values that i was brought up with, maybe. maybe i'm imagining them too. but GOD ALMIGHTY! i feel like the girl, "who has everything" as Ariel said in Disney's, The Little Mermaid, but like her, I am still unsatisfied. Will I ever be satisfied? Do I really need to get clobbered on the head before I feel satisfied? Really? fuck.

What am I really looking for? I think it may be something like structure. Yeah, all this goddamn freedom has got me in a tizzy. You can do whatever you want Shanna, you name it, it's yours. Okay, what if I don't know what I want. There has been research done that suggests that, as humans, we may think we know what we want, but through trial and error we realize that we just thought we knew what we wanted. UUUUGGGGHHHHH.

Two nights ago I went to Eat, Pray, Love with an old friend. It was just like the book. There are aspects that I can relate with and forgive and other well taken points that are unforgivable. Here is this woman who has it all and essentially throws it away. She doesn't want to be married anymore and leaves her less successful husband to travel the world on a self-finding journey. She gets paid up front for the book that she writes about the experience, which is seriously questionable in my book, and travels for a year to, I guess, find her soul. What she eventually finds is a man who will put her in her place. That's right. That is my conclusion on the whole goddamn thing. I think as women, we still want a man to "put us in our place" I mean, christ, we all want to be pinned down to a point so that we are not floating in the atmosphere, right? Nobody likes that. We want equality in the workplace, no doubt. We want equal rights as far as respect goes in society. But, christ, we also want someone, somewhere, even it they are in Bali, to sit use down and tell us how it is. To, even if we are the most successful in the biz, to say, "hey. stop it. look me in the face. that's right. you are just human too."