December 13, 2012

So, in response to my December 4, 2012 post, yes, it did get worse. It got much worse. Yesterday was bad. I had ominous feels of doom all day. In fact, I woke up in the middle of the night the night before last. I woke up around 4 or 5 and was awake for an hour and a half worrying. Worrying about money, worrying about if my boyfriend actually likes me as much as I like him, worrying about my job and all the restructuring going on. Yup I was wide awake. So yeah, and also, I know that I can attribute some of my craziness to the fact that I don't have enough to keep me busy. My job, especially this year, is soooo seasonal. Half the year it is difficult to have a life outside of work and half the year it is difficult to find enough to keep busy with. So I know that it isn't ALL me, I know that if I was, say, working a 9-5 job M-F that I wouldn't get so crazy. (But who is to say that I wouldn't get crazy in a different way?) (And who the hell isn't crazy, right?) But with that said I spent a good part of the day having feelings of everything is fucked. Having terrible feelings of dread. Feeling like I am going to lose my job and I am going to lose my friends and I will have to move in with my parents. Ick. And even if any of that is true. Even if I do lose my job or what have you, can't we cross that bridge when we get there? Do I really need to have these terrible feelings about things that may or may not happen? And also, what about the fact that you create the world around you with your thoughts? Am I just asking for bad weather? And if I am, why?! 3/4 of the month I feel like a normal person doing normal things and then for a week I feel psychologically terrible. Is this normal? Does this happen to other people too? Is this some sort of cleanse? Do you think these are all of the bad thoughts that I should have spent over the course of a month but overrode them with my positivity? Since I've become more aware of it, I try to head it off. I try to remind myself that it will pass and that this happens once just about every month. I try to make my communication decisions much more carefully and not just from the gut. I actually try to not communicate (I try not to sob, "hey, I think you don't like me as much as I like you.") but I don't do too well at that.
Any feed back is very welcomed. Thank you.

scott from chicago

so i met alison's friend scott from chicago last night. this is a professional guy who travels for a living and stays at her hotel 4 nights a week, so they've gotten tight. they are buddies. he is like late 30s and loves to talk, loves to engage people. he is tan and a bit overweight but with a very friendly appearance and demeanor. bald. welcoming. glad he is not a creep.

so like i said in a previous post, the heat has fried my brain. i think i want to go find some thai food for dinner. or maybe just drink mojitos. i don't know yet. valaria wants to meet up after she gets done with work. maybe we should find some air conditioning and

NOTE: This, and many posts are not in chronological order. This one is several years old. 

The Weather

The weather has been so weird, right? Isn't that what everyone has been saying for years? "When I was a kid we got a ton of snow. It started in October and ended in April. We got feet! These days it just doesn't happen." Well, why is that? Global warming? And what is that, some big huge idea that all the cars running in the world is warming the atmosphere. Sure, that sounds like an idea. Sounds kind of complicated, but it does sound like a plausible idea. How about something simpler? How about an easier answer. Didn't someone smart and respected once say that the easiest answer is probably the correct one? I think so. So instead of talking about the weather like it is this outside entity, why not be more inclusive? Why not talk about the weather like it is our child? Would we openly sit around and talk bad about our children to the neighbors? I don't think so. You don't think the weather can't hear you talking bad about it? Really? It is right there, ever present. It can hear just like anything else. It can absorb your feelings about it. The weather is a part of us!!! Yes. We are very directly connected. Believe it! And why not? Wouldn't most people at this point say that, yeah, we are connected to nature? Weather is nature. We are connected. And not just in this abstract, distant sort of way, much, much more literal. So. With all that said, here is something that has been on my mind. The human experience is ever changing, yeah? How about in the last 10 - 15? I think there has been a huge change. Thee internet. Computers. We work differently and communicate differently with each other so much more so now than 20 years ago. We do everything differently. We decide what we will have for dinner only after we ask google what we should do with our chicken. We decide what to wear only after we look at our iphones to see how cold out it is. We decide where to work based on a website not walking into a place and saying hello. We decide what movie to go to after we watch all the previews of all the possible movies we could go see tonight and after we look up when that one movie is playing and if it isn't until next week then we wait. We walk differently. We have our heads down looking at our computers. So we have changed, thank goodness, change is good. But don't you think the weather has changed with us? I do.

And just like that it all starts happening again. It slowly creeps in. The anxiety starts to build a bit earlier than before this time around. I think it may be because I just have more time on my hands. More time to just notice the subtle changes. More time to just notice the slight mood differences and the slight difference in my thought patterns. It is only going to get worse before it gets better and then, just like that, it will be over like nothing ever happened. Like I had just made it all up in my mind. Fuck you PMS, this is starting to get old now.