I am a person who makes decisions based on other peoples moves. I think, maybe, most people are like this… but anyway, I find it very difficult when my job requires me to be more "self sufficient". I find it absolutely incongruent. I am not completely self sustaining, that's why I have a job where I do. These thoughts go round and round back and forth for years on end.

Okay, what about .....

Okay, what about those phone conversations that you're wrapping up and nobody knows quite where it ends and so it ends up the tow of you yelling at each other, "okay bye?" "Thanks for calling." "Yup, love you!" "Alright!" "Okay!" And it goes on for like 15 seconds of you both talking over each other about how much you enjoyed the convo and you'll see each other again soon and have a good day.....!

Okay, that was fucked up. I stopped at holiday in forest lake. The cashier was an asshole and threw my change at me and said have a nice night without any truth in it. Then I'm going to leave and there is this family I know. I've waited on them thru the years, they are super sweet and I got excited, even thought of getting out if my car to say hi but then I noticed what was really going on, they were making the kid drop. Yeah they're divorced or separated, I dunno but there was one family and two cars. Glad I didn't get out to say hi : )


*** this is bring written from my car immediately afterward. I would like to take time to explore this little story more/better but am typing on my phone at the moment.

Fun stuff!

Today I picked up my dress for my sister's wedding!
And paid off my car!!
And decided to up my monthly payment on my student loans :)
Yay!!!
Today feels great!

Adulthood.

What is it? Is it an age? Is it a feeling?
Are you an adult at 33 with a seasonal job who is paying the bills but not putting anything away for later? Are you an adult if you are still sort of living day to day?
When does adulthood come?
Is adulthood a privelege?
Am I the new poor?
Am I poor and just have never realized it?
Are opportunities only for the rich?
Do opportunities only come to those who already have all the opportunities?

To the Co-op in Duluth Minnesota, if you'd like.

Hi,
I visit you most days and most days it is an interesting extravaganza.
Mostly I usually feel clasterphobic.
To running into people you know, (which is great, sometimes, but sometimes you just want to grab some food at the grocery store) to having to entertain people you don't know (check out clerks that won't check you out unless you give them a smile or appease them with a story about your day......)
And now is where we get to the bitching part.
I hate that. I just want to buy these groceries and go. These groceries that are most expensive than the average groceries. Can I do that? Do you mind if I drink this coffee before I start telling you about my day? Actually, scratch that, can I just keep my day to myself? Please? Because really, all I came in for was the coffee and snack. I seriously did not show up here for you to brighten my day. In fact, I thought my day was pretty dang good until I had to diminish it's value and put it into words for you.
And if I don't just through the hoops, then I am being rude.
Fuck that.
Maybe I am just a private person.
Maybe you have to check me out (ring up my food) 50 times before I will share something. And maybe it will be worth it because by then I will have had 50 different interactions to decide what to say to you and how. By then it will be a much more personal and fulfilling experience.
So please, if you want to really get to know me, leave me alone. We will talk soon. I will be in again and you will be working again and I am sure we will have to interact again.
Ugh.
Thanks co-op, your food is great :)
Love,
Shanna

An Open Letter to the Lady at the Co-op

Hi,
I'm sorry your day and/or life isn't turning out how you thought it might. Really, sorry. That sucks. I often find myself less than satisfied with life as well. But did yelling at me make it any better? I bet it made it worse :(
I don't feel that it is necessary to be overly "nice" to everyone. That is lame and a waste of energy if you ask me. Life is short and I will treat you like a person, not a over entitled god. I saw a large cart full of groceries and nobody manning it while lines of people were waiting to check out. Am I the "really rude" one to step up and keep things flowing? How was I to know that you would appear seconds later. Maybe you were the rude one for holding up the place and jumping in line before you were ready.
I mean really lady.
Take a step back and breath a bit.
I had like 5 things in my basket. Me stepping up literally cost you like a total of a minute. Literally.
I am glad and surprised that I didn't react, I usual do. With a hurt reaction or a defensive reaction or surprised reaction. But I just looked over at you and said "what?" And you looked away. And the situation was defused. And I continued what I was doing. And you are probably still mad.
I am sorry. Really, I mean it. It sucks to feel that way and like I said before, god knows I've felt that way. Lucky me, this time it was someone else feeling like that :)
Take care, take a breath, slow down.
love,
Shanna

Here we are, August 5th. The babies have been born. It is 65 degrees out. What now?

At the Burrito Union right now. It is loud, terribly loud and slightly obnoxious but, for some reason, doesn't bother me tonight. The twins game is on late (they are playing in Los Angeles) and they are winning :)
My vision is going. I am 33 and 2/3 and I squint to see the count on the tv screen. I also, at times, take whatever I am reading, like a menu or an id, and hold it preculiarly far from my face. I just had my eyes tested (by a handsome young married man) and they were the same as they ever were.
Last night I went to a baby shower where we drank a ton of wine but truly today I feel like a new person. It was awesome! I forgot how much I love all of those people :) So much fun.
Brian Dozier is batting. I like him.
Anyway, I want to go pick berries tomorrow :)

Saw an old guy with a NAVY hat on today. I was at the hospital with my dad, his heart is giving him trouble. This guy was waiting, like everyone, to be seen. I couldn't help but make assumptions about who he is and what his ideals may be. As soon as he openly started snapping at his wife about trivial things I assumed he may be nervous about his medical condition. I also assumed that he has lived his life "the way he was supposed to." I assumed he was brought up in an atmosphere of patriotism and such. I assumed being in the Navy for a few years was his biggest accomplishment. Bigger than spending his life with his wife. Bigger than having kids.
He has lived his life according to want he thinks he "should" do instead of what he "wants" to do or "believes" he should do. Though his aggressive interactions with his wife it appeared as if he was never told that he matters. He was never loved like everybody deserves to be.

Remember when you and I drove my van down to Austin for SXSW? And that time you were really little and there was this tub in the yard for some reason, it was a rental, and the tub was flush with the ground and full of water and you stumbled in and mom started running towards you, it was across the whole yard, and I started running too. She, bring bigger, got to you first and you were sort of gaspy for air. You had only been under water for a handful of seconds but it didn't matter, we were coming for you.
Or what about that time I thought I would set a personal goal of jumping off the swing set and landing in between the railroad tie and the propane tank, which ran parallel to each other. Yeah. I accomplished my goal you know. Too bad my face continued on into the tank tho. You, super wide eyed, were shocked; had seen the whole thing, stared in awe, couldn't believe it had happened, frozen until I put you into motion,, turned toward you with my bloody face. You ran faster than you knew you could to the house. I, disoriented, walked calmly to the house with my palm cupped under my chin catching the blood dripping thinking that was the right thing to do when in reality, it didn't matter if blood got on the grass.
This reminds me of that time in like 7th grade when all is girls gathered to watch the boys play football and when we quickly got bored we started playing that game where you make each other faint. Laura Z was supposed to catch me but apparently I swerved the opposite if obvious and bounced my head off the black top. I dreamed of "hey Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey … Hey Mickey!" And when I woke up, seconds later, everybody was gathered around looking down at me concerned. Then, like out of a sweet movie I started to get up then stopped, "what happened?"… On my bike ride home my eyes crossed and I couldn't see, I walked my bike and cried. It all worked out fine tho :)

I want to go swimming tomorrow and bring my dad to his doctor's appointment. I want to take a trip to the cities and visit a restaurant or two. I want to go to a few yoga classes and go hiking. I need to research wine a bit. I need to research jobs… and futures…
For now I will jump in the French and head up to Hartley with my IPod and camera. I will spend more time with dad and help plan Alison's bachelorette party and send a card to Calvin and meet Jason's parents and stay out of his life and get a present for Crystal's baby and put up a sign at work that asks what everybody is going to bring to the shower.

Remember camping that one time up the Knife River, we danced naked around the fire? It was a full moon in May. And that time there were so many shows to go to and we played around with the recorder and bongo and thought for a second we would start something completely different? And that time grandma died bit you were too young to understand death so I tried to set you straight on it? And when we went to that awesome music fest in Detroit and got tattoos and I was anemic at the time but didn't know? And last weekend jumping off the pontoon and driving the trackers and eating the hip patters?
That was awesome.

Job Wanted

As I look through job listings I truly realize how under qualified I am for most jobs. And I suppose most people are under qualified for most jobs, that statement is weak. What I mean is that I am under qualified for jobs that I would like to experience.
I have only ever done one job and have never aimed any further than that. It is very difficult to picture doing anything much different than I already do. I have a hard time taking anything too serious, or serious at all for that matter. (Even though I believe/know deep down that I would benefit from swallowing my everything and finding something to take serious.)
I take my relationships very serious. This may be the only thing I take serious. This may be why I have stayed in the customer service world forever: it is all relationships.
Anyway, just a couple quick thoughts, I am tired and need to go to bed. Hopefully soon I can expand and explore these ideas more.

Things inevitably change.

I talked to my dad today. I knew something was going on. I heard it in my mom's voice. She said that he took today and tomorrow off of work and she stopped there; didn't explain anything else. It is her nature to gush about everything so.... I called my dad. He is good. His job is changing. His position is being eliminated. He is 55 and has rheumatoid arthritis. He has had it since he was 30. He has had several surgeries for eliminate lumps that limit his movement. He told me this year he feels older. My mom has been helping him off the couch. She also helps him get his sweatshirt off. He can't really lift his arms up over his head.
Fortunately he has been with the company now for 28 odd years and they are giving him options that he will weigh over the next couple of weeks. He can either be demoted and go back to driving a truck. This includes heavy lifting and lots of bending at the knees not to mention being on call and possibly having to go out at anytime of the day or night. Or he can retire.
My dad says that both him and my mom have great 401ks and he also has some sort of profit sharing that would last him a handful of years. He said after a year or two or so of being retired maybe he would get a little part time job, like stocking shelves at the grocery store.
It is had for me to picture my dad stocking shelves at a grocery store. He has worked for Ferrellgas since I was 5. I never thought I would see the day where my dad is retiring. That is so weird. In so many ways I feel that my life is still starting. I guess I feel like that because I don't have kids yet but I have always thought that I would and I still think that...... It is easy to think that you are invincible. It is easy to think, "yeah, I am going to have kids some day."
Now I am just blabbing. Basically it is weird to think of my parents aging, I never think of that. I never think of myself as aging either. It is a slight shocker to suddenly realize that they may need me and I don't know how much I can be there for them.

today we realized......

Today we realized that back in the late 90's when MTV had that contest to have a new host for the show and the guy that won was a hipster, the first hipster to go main stream and it was all over from there. You know? Do you remember that? He was on tv wearing silly outfits and not really speaking in full sentences or even words and they kept the cameras on him. I remember thinking, "ha, okay, any minute they will cut to something else because obviously this guy is just ridiculous and is a liablity to the success of MTV........" (I thought something along those lines.) But they didn't. They let him run the show. He was on day in and day out just making a silly fool out of himself. This was the same time period my family got a computer and dial-up internet. This was the same time chat rooms were born. I remember choosing a chat room to go into and there were many options on different topics being discussed, however, I soon realized that the topics didn't corrospond with the rooms. I remember choosing a "music" room to chat in and entering the room and seeing the conversations going on. It was anything but music. It was kids swearing and talking shit to each other. I was really surprised. And this was another event that opened my mind to the future. In the 15 or so years since it has gotten worse and worse. (Or better and better I suppose, depending on how you look at it.) But I am watching network tv right now and it is awful. Just really terribly done. Basically this post is really rambling but what I think is that the way we communicate with each other and our values as a society has shifted drastically in a short period of time. Interesting.

what I really want

I guess what I really want is a cabin.
With a boat.
And a swing set.
Green grass.
A clean, very swim friendly lake.
Great neighbors.
Woods.
Lots of birds and animals.
Quiet.

Going to the cities.

I used to do it a lot. Like every week when Alison had just moved back from Florida and I was so glad to have her so close and so I would go down all the time. Just for fun, just for the drive. But she is getting married in October. Her and her boyfriend live together and have for a while now. So she doesn't need me as much, or rather, she needs me in a different way now. Also I have been seeing someone so my tendencies have calmed a bit. I love that he goes to bed early and I am welcome to join him in that. It is so comforting to just call it a day and go to bed. I have been blessed. But I might just be getting a bit too comfortable just going to bed early; not getting crazy at all. So I think I am going to the cities today on a whim. I will go shopping, eat out, see my sister, reclaim some of my single life back because, lets me real here, even though all I want is to settle down and spend my time with the guy I love, it may not be all he wants.

This is an ad.

So yesterday I went to the Good Feet store. I saw the ad on tv, the guy seemed very honest and likable so I went there, we tried on some insoles and I bought some. I wore them around yesterday and by the end of the day I was looking in the mirror thinking about how pretty I am.
I have done that before.
Maybe more as a teenager, when my body and emotions were changing all the time. I think everybody does that. I would sit in front of the mirror everyday, curious about who I am and what I was becoming.
But lately, at age 33, looking in the mirror is not a practice I do often. I look in the mirror when I am brushing my teeth and blow drying my hair but that is about it and it is just very functional looking. "Is my hair okay like this?" "Is that a new zit coming in?"
But last night, and maybe it has something to do with the full moon, but I was looking into myself, discovering who I am again. It felt really good.
I am looking forward to growing into these insoles and growing into myself again.

So I find my mind wanders to the people in my life as my period and anxiety approaches. I think of everybody and how they play a role. I don't know if I always got my way when I was a child, I doubt it but in adulthood I find that if I don't get my way I am frustrated. And not only frustrated but flustered; disheveled. I am beinginng to believe that it is not me or my upbringing but something much deeper.

Shitty service/human tendencies

It is so hard to find good service. I am only picky because it is what I do on a daily basis. And when I want to go out and be waited on, I want to be waited on. I want someone to care that I just showed up. I want someone to acknowledge my presence. I want whoever is waiting on me to say "hi." I would also like them to look me in the eyes and mean it, at least a little bit.

just some thoughts.

Ruth Bader-Ginsberg, uh, yeah. Joe Biden, you are funny, aren't you! Broad, open ended statements, rrrrriiiiiiggggghhht. Also, my first grade kids today loved the books that I picked out. We had fun, we are really getting to know each other.

my apartment

So I live in an apartment. It is nice. Enough. I have lived in other apartments in the past and have loved them more. I can't help but to compare and believe that I can and should do better than this :) It's very functional in a lot of ways but it has carpet. Now don't get me wrong, I grew up in a house with carpet. Everywhere but the kitchen and bathroom. It was lovely. But when I yelled, "Goodbye Superior! I hate you!" and moved to Duluth, I encountered the hardwood floor. Oh yes, the beautiful, or not so beautiful hardwood, creaky floor. The durableness, the solidness, the homeyness, the color, the origination. Just about everything about the hardwood floor life is ideal. It is easy to clean up. It is perfect for leaving your shoes on and getting shit done. It is made of wood. Wood comes from the forest. I love the forest. I don't have that here.
On another wood note, I have lived a handful of older buildings in Duluth. Buildings with original, quirky, woodwork in them. Built in hutches and, sort of, room dividers. Soooooo yummy.
Another thing about my apartment is that there just isn't a good view. For one there aren't that many windows which isn't the best but those windows don't offer very much for the viewing audience. You see, out my front windows I can just glimpse the lake (only in winter). I have a window in the dining room that faces a brick wall. And a window in the bathroom that faces the same brick wall and then a window in the kitchen that was recently redone to have these weird glass brick that you can't see out of. So yeah, not much. Not much at all. I think it is healthy to have a window that over looks something of inspiration. That over looks a lot. That you can see for a couple of miles. Maybe that is just me but thinking back I had this growing up. I would sit in my bed at night and look out the window which faces Spirit Mountain which was/is like 12 miles away. And when I was at my cabin growing up I would regularly sit anywhere, being surrounded by nature, and stare and take it in. Here there is really none of that. I wish there was.
And finally, there is no yard. There is a little patch of grass out front and another small patch out back but nowhere anyone could call home and get cozy for an afternoon of relaxation.
So there you have it, just my top complaints about living here.
Otherwise it is pretty much fine.

A dream

Last night I had a dream that we had to bake fresh cookies for work. I should back up here, so at work, we, servers, have to make all of our own desserts which is fun and interesting, I love doing it. The other night I probably spent 20 minutes on 9 desserts and 20 minutes is an eternity in the serving world. It was perfect. The table loved everything so far (and I mean LOVED) so I was confident that they would be patient enough to wait for the desserts and they were. Anyway, I am getting off track a bit here, so sometimes when we have to make desserts they are simple but sometimes they are laborious. There could be like a dozen different little steps that need to be done for one dessert, this can be stressful. So in my dream last night, we had to bake cookies on request. The dough was all done, all we had to do was portion it out and put it on the tray and into the oven. Funny. Just the next step in difficulty. I will have to tell my boss about the dream. :)

Medicine

Pulsatilla is highly toxic, and produces cardiogenic toxins and oxytoxins which slow the heart in humans. Excess use can lead todiarrhoea, vomiting and convulsions,^[4] hypotension and coma.^[5] It has been used as a medicine by Native Americans for centuries. Blackfoot Indians used it to induce abortions and childbirth.^[4] Pulsatilla should not be taken during pregnancy nor during lactation.^[6]

Extracts of Pulsatilla have been used to treat reproductive problems such as premenstrual syndrome and epididymitis.^[6] Additional applications of plant extracts include uses as a sedative and for treating coughs.^[6] It is also used as an initial ingredient in homeopathic remedies.^[6]

^{I just took some of this, it was sort of sweet and granular and translucent. It excites me to take some thing that can cause diarrhoea and coma, don't ask me, I just like living on the edge sometimes, makes you feel alive. But yes, anyway, I went to the local naturaopath doctor today and that is what she has given me, among other things. I am excited to explore and experiment medicinally these ailments that I have had. Should be exciting.}