December 13, 2012

So, in response to my December 4, 2012 post, yes, it did get worse. It got much worse. Yesterday was bad. I had ominous feels of doom all day. In fact, I woke up in the middle of the night the night before last. I woke up around 4 or 5 and was awake for an hour and a half worrying. Worrying about money, worrying about if my boyfriend actually likes me as much as I like him, worrying about my job and all the restructuring going on. Yup I was wide awake. So yeah, and also, I know that I can attribute some of my craziness to the fact that I don't have enough to keep me busy. My job, especially this year, is soooo seasonal. Half the year it is difficult to have a life outside of work and half the year it is difficult to find enough to keep busy with. So I know that it isn't ALL me, I know that if I was, say, working a 9-5 job M-F that I wouldn't get so crazy. (But who is to say that I wouldn't get crazy in a different way?) (And who the hell isn't crazy, right?) But with that said I spent a good part of the day having feelings of everything is fucked. Having terrible feelings of dread. Feeling like I am going to lose my job and I am going to lose my friends and I will have to move in with my parents. Ick. And even if any of that is true. Even if I do lose my job or what have you, can't we cross that bridge when we get there? Do I really need to have these terrible feelings about things that may or may not happen? And also, what about the fact that you create the world around you with your thoughts? Am I just asking for bad weather? And if I am, why?! 3/4 of the month I feel like a normal person doing normal things and then for a week I feel psychologically terrible. Is this normal? Does this happen to other people too? Is this some sort of cleanse? Do you think these are all of the bad thoughts that I should have spent over the course of a month but overrode them with my positivity? Since I've become more aware of it, I try to head it off. I try to remind myself that it will pass and that this happens once just about every month. I try to make my communication decisions much more carefully and not just from the gut. I actually try to not communicate (I try not to sob, "hey, I think you don't like me as much as I like you.") but I don't do too well at that.
Any feed back is very welcomed. Thank you.

scott from chicago

so i met alison's friend scott from chicago last night. this is a professional guy who travels for a living and stays at her hotel 4 nights a week, so they've gotten tight. they are buddies. he is like late 30s and loves to talk, loves to engage people. he is tan and a bit overweight but with a very friendly appearance and demeanor. bald. welcoming. glad he is not a creep.

so like i said in a previous post, the heat has fried my brain. i think i want to go find some thai food for dinner. or maybe just drink mojitos. i don't know yet. valaria wants to meet up after she gets done with work. maybe we should find some air conditioning and

NOTE: This, and many posts are not in chronological order. This one is several years old. 

The Weather

The weather has been so weird, right? Isn't that what everyone has been saying for years? "When I was a kid we got a ton of snow. It started in October and ended in April. We got feet! These days it just doesn't happen." Well, why is that? Global warming? And what is that, some big huge idea that all the cars running in the world is warming the atmosphere. Sure, that sounds like an idea. Sounds kind of complicated, but it does sound like a plausible idea. How about something simpler? How about an easier answer. Didn't someone smart and respected once say that the easiest answer is probably the correct one? I think so. So instead of talking about the weather like it is this outside entity, why not be more inclusive? Why not talk about the weather like it is our child? Would we openly sit around and talk bad about our children to the neighbors? I don't think so. You don't think the weather can't hear you talking bad about it? Really? It is right there, ever present. It can hear just like anything else. It can absorb your feelings about it. The weather is a part of us!!! Yes. We are very directly connected. Believe it! And why not? Wouldn't most people at this point say that, yeah, we are connected to nature? Weather is nature. We are connected. And not just in this abstract, distant sort of way, much, much more literal. So. With all that said, here is something that has been on my mind. The human experience is ever changing, yeah? How about in the last 10 - 15? I think there has been a huge change. Thee internet. Computers. We work differently and communicate differently with each other so much more so now than 20 years ago. We do everything differently. We decide what we will have for dinner only after we ask google what we should do with our chicken. We decide what to wear only after we look at our iphones to see how cold out it is. We decide where to work based on a website not walking into a place and saying hello. We decide what movie to go to after we watch all the previews of all the possible movies we could go see tonight and after we look up when that one movie is playing and if it isn't until next week then we wait. We walk differently. We have our heads down looking at our computers. So we have changed, thank goodness, change is good. But don't you think the weather has changed with us? I do.

And just like that it all starts happening again. It slowly creeps in. The anxiety starts to build a bit earlier than before this time around. I think it may be because I just have more time on my hands. More time to just notice the subtle changes. More time to just notice the slight mood differences and the slight difference in my thought patterns. It is only going to get worse before it gets better and then, just like that, it will be over like nothing ever happened. Like I had just made it all up in my mind. Fuck you PMS, this is starting to get old now.

things feel a little f-ed right now

so everything feels a little up in the air right now, more than it should i think. maybe i'm letting my mind wander a little too much but, UGH! Rachel got let go of her job today and she thinks it's all just a great big scam, har, har, har, but that's the real world, bosses suck and you have to deal with them and you have to put up with their shit. bummer. maybe i'm just a touch jealous that she has more to live for. that last sentence sounds a little weird, i don't mean that. i just mean that it doesn't really matter at the end of the day for her because she has dan and she is going to move to be closer to dan and that's just how it goes, right? well that all sounds like bullshit. i am feeling a little torn i guess between being child like and complaining about our surroundings and complaining about our bosses and making the bosses out to be complete psychos when actually they are just people too. looking for new jobs sucks and so i make what i have already work. and i am good at it too. ugh. and ryan has a girlfriend. fuck. why can't we just, ugh. and here i am just sitting around in my own head. i should start volunteering or something. and then my mind goes to my family and how much fun we had the other day and then to my lake ave family and then to my band family and then to my ugh and i just don't really like it when my mind wanders soooo sooo much. it gets away from me with everything swirling around in it and i used to do more art to funnel the energy and i used to do more drugs to chill the energy but it seems wrong to put a cap on it. i have been scared in the past to make changes so i have avoided change with the use of drugs but now i feel clear headed and happy most of the time, when i don't have to put up with other people's shit, and on and on and on and on. and the people that think that they are supreme can all go to hell and the people who can't ever think of what to say can all go to hell and the people who sit and run their mouths can all go to hell and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. and then there are those which you know them so well, so, so well that they hate you. they hate that you can see the deeply into them. they don't think they have such a deep well until you wander of and glance down the well and look to the bottom of their souls and look back at them, and stare. and ever flinch. and get pissed off and so on. and all they want it for you to change and look the other way and start doing something else but you won't, because you are just doing exactly what you've always done and you don't know how to do it any other way. and sometimes, god, did you wish you knew another way, but you don't. so you keep on keeping on down the only course you know. and as life goes you realize that it is all in a loop. that everything repeats itself over and over and at times you are this person and at other times you are that person and you sort of never know from one day to the next which person you may be. so you keep going to bed each night, thanking the universe for all the interesting things that happened during the day and you go to sleep. only to awake once again to all the same bullshit. all the same people coming to tell you all the same problems. some people changing and transforming all along, others stagnant and stale. but consistent and reliable. and then, i suppose, one day it stops and you get to take a look at what you did and what you didn't do.

NOTE: This was recently published however it was written a few years ago. Probably about January or February 2010.
ANOTHER NOTE: I just re-read this and noticed several mistakes but decided to leave them in because it helps paint a picture of the state of mind I was in when I wrote this.
Thanks for reading!

neutral milk hotel

so i just joined this online dating thingy for fun, or for laughs, or for serious, i can't tell yet. but i just looked up this guy who lives in winnipeg and he is beautiful. i think i blushed just looking at one little obscure photo. what he said was beautiful. his intentions were clear and honest and i appreciate that. i sort of wanna say hi. it is beautiful outside right now. the lilacs are just about to give way here in a couple of days, after maybe just one more hot, hot day. yesterday was hot, it had to be 80. rachel and i went out and ran errands and eventually had a picnic up at the park near our house here. it was beautiful. the honesty is what is soooo beautiful. her honesty and my honesty. my band mates honesty. or lack there of, it is sooo obvious. i am so confident in my honesty right now, ugh! i am sooo happy that i know what is what these days. thank you, thank you, thank you.

chicago so far.

so they had a moment of silence yesterday for the polish president and everybody else that died on the plane. there were over 20, 000 people there.

just got done facebook stalking a few new friends. ugh. i got to hang out with this matt guy last night and it was great, we totally connected on so many levels and he reminded me so much of c.j. wow. but he just got engaged. it was weird, we were talking and having a great time. and he was talking so much in fact, sooooo much, i think to just keep things flowing because he knew that we were connecting a little too good here and where was it going to go anyway? no where. not now. maybe if we had met and the circumstances were different, but even then it is virtually impossible to see what is in front of you. so like, he is now in love and engaged and has a clearer view of people. like, sometimes when you are looking for something you have blinders on because you are looking for it. but when you are not looking for anything you can observe your surrounding pretty easily and pick out what is what much more clearly than you can when you are looking for something. the key: not to be looking for anything. nope. just observing.

today's the big day

that's right, we're gonna "talk."

oh that's right, we all know what that means, "talk."

"i just want to talk and straighten some things out. nothing bad."

okay. sure. what if we were talking along? what if we would both just open our mouths a bit wider on a daily basis? then what?

that's a lot of work though and if you're like me, which you are, then when something gets hard it's easier to back out, justify a quit somehow.

so we're gonna "talk" later. 6pm. it's been scheduled. it's been nailed down.

and what are we going to talk about, eh? are we going to talk about how you are still in love with your ex-wife? are we going to talk about how you think you are in love with your friend sue because she lost her husband so you perceive that she needs you because you need people to need you? and i haven't needed you, i've wanted you. i've wanted you to flirt with me, i've wanted you to stop by. i've jumped awake in hope and anticipation when i've heard the neighbor's door open and close. i've wanted you to want me. i've wanted you to share information with me. i've wanted to be more that just a cheap girlfriend on the side for you. i trusted you. you are the first person i've opened up to in so long and now you are leaving. why can't i get myself a net and catch some of these things that i would like to have? i would like to have you. i listen to you all the time. i've listened for months as you've gotten blackout drunk so you don't have to deal. i've excused your bad drunken behavior. i help you talk things out. i've had real low self esteem and am scared of backsliding. i am scared of getting sad again. sometimes my sadness lasts a real long time and it's really lonely. i am scared. i am pissed. i am pissed that i have invested so much time into this and am not getting what i want. i am pissed that you don't need me at all. i am pissed that you have soooo much, like three beautiful kids and a loving family and a good relationship with your ex and a great job and you are just dropping me. i guess i perceive that you are more privileged than me. that is false. we are equally privileged. i am pissed that it is such a small town and everybody knows everybody and i have failed again. i am pissed that this isn't the first time. i am mad that i apparently haven't recovered since the last time. i am upset with myself for not being more.

but really these are old feelings here. the past week i've really burned them up. i am prepared to take the high road. i am going to question him, without judgement, about some things. i am going to ask him about his escapism and why he hasn't been around. i am going to ask him how he really feels about his ex and about his friend. i am going to ask him about his other friends. i am going to ask him why he ever messed with me in the first place. i think we both have these rich lives that we have been searching for more outside of. and low and behold we don't need to wander further than our own backyards. that i have plenty to work with right here, right now. although, really, i want more. i want someone to share everything with. i want to share my bed. i want to wake up and have someone to talk to right away and start the day together. i want someone to hug and kiss. i want someone to ground me. i want someone to pull me out of the clouds when i start floating.

dreams last night

had a dream of a train wreck. i was on the train with other people and and we were cruising along and then we came to this part that i always thought was a bit scary, it was sort of like a roller coaster and we made it through, but on the other side were unassuming cars on the tracks. there was a mini van and another car or truck and they were coming towards us, indirectly, they didn't mean or be in the way or want to be in the way but they were and we crashed the shit out of them. immediately we, whoever i was with, could have been ryan, were on the scene and there were a couple of babies that weren't in baby seats but were laying in the back of the mini van dazed, along with everyone else that was in the car. i picked up one of the babies right away and ended up toting that baby along for the rest of the dream. at some points that baby sort of merged with my body and resembled a small sack of rice or something, but when people asked about it it would form back into a baby like it was totally cool that that happened. and then i was with ryan and i got to love him. i melted all over him and kissed and cooed on his back. he let me. i dominated him, not to have power, but because i didn't know any other way and he took it. i just needed to do it.

Stuff is piling up these days

Hello, it's been a while. An effect of this is that I am rusty on just where and how to begin and also content has been piling up. I mean pi-ling-up. So without much further a do, a list. Some things on my mind right now include the presidential debate, the weather change, my ever changing workplace, my friends, how I spend my time and why, my family, my motives, many of thoughts center on the boy I've come to taking a liking to, just in general I believe that my thoughts won't stop because I have my period and sometimes these things can get way out of fucking control. This brings up the past and how it is ever present even though it is obviously not. This brings up past boyfriends, this brings up past feelings which have been lying dormant for years, feelings that I may have forgotten even exist. Feelings that I may give too much weight to since I have the time to do so. Many thoughts on PMS in the last week and how it has affected me and my friends and my historical decision making. Thoughts on how it may have affected people I love and the decisions that have made as well. Thoughts of where I am coming from and where I am going and too much depth to all of this since it is not only irrelivant but actually in many ways out of my and everyone else's control. Always. The universe and everything else actually decides what it is you will be doing and how you will be doing it. I didn't start the fire and neither did Billy Joel. There is music. There is work. There are expectations held by family and friends. There is love and the dangers of. There is hate, which is always easy. There is baseball, thank god. There is the radio and the outside even if it is being a real bitch right now. There is the thought of next spring and how it is only 6 short months away. There is the increasing idea of dreading inevitable weather the older and less flexible I get. There is yoga, usually a safe place. There are also hiding spots in knitting and cooking and baking and reading and listening instead of talking and talking about other people's accomplishments. There is also that weird, fucking maddening feeling that comes up when you are accused of a crime you didn't commit. Or worse, not really actually being accused of that crime but you know what he really thinks about you whether or not it is based in reality and you can't do a goddamn thing about it. There is your mom asking, "well, do we get to meet Jason?" I don't know, do you? That is a question that I can not answer. These things are out of my control and I don't deal well not being in control. It upsets me. My sisters are both changing careers right now and I am sure they will do just fine by it. They are so smart and I am so proud of them. I am also so proud of my brother in law. I just love him. I went and talked to a mortgage broker the other day and learned nothing I didn't already know. I know I don't want to purchase a house by myself with the unsteady job I have. I know I want a better job that makes me feel better about myself. I think the only job that that would be is to be a mother. I can imagine much satisfaction getting hired for the job to be a mother and take care of children and spouse. That is what I want. This is my declaration. I want to live with somebody. I want to reel my feelings in and get them under control and share my life with somebody. I want the security of being married to somebody. I want health care. I want someone to be affected if I get sick. I want joint funds. I want to discuss large financial purchases with somebody else. I want to not feel, for once in years like I am running for my life. I want to feel safe. I want to be cared for. I want to care for as well.