Going to the cities.

I used to do it a lot. Like every week when Alison had just moved back from Florida and I was so glad to have her so close and so I would go down all the time. Just for fun, just for the drive. But she is getting married in October. Her and her boyfriend live together and have for a while now. So she doesn't need me as much, or rather, she needs me in a different way now. Also I have been seeing someone so my tendencies have calmed a bit. I love that he goes to bed early and I am welcome to join him in that. It is so comforting to just call it a day and go to bed. I have been blessed. But I might just be getting a bit too comfortable just going to bed early; not getting crazy at all. So I think I am going to the cities today on a whim. I will go shopping, eat out, see my sister, reclaim some of my single life back because, lets me real here, even though all I want is to settle down and spend my time with the guy I love, it may not be all he wants.

This is an ad.

So yesterday I went to the Good Feet store. I saw the ad on tv, the guy seemed very honest and likable so I went there, we tried on some insoles and I bought some. I wore them around yesterday and by the end of the day I was looking in the mirror thinking about how pretty I am.
I have done that before.
Maybe more as a teenager, when my body and emotions were changing all the time. I think everybody does that. I would sit in front of the mirror everyday, curious about who I am and what I was becoming.
But lately, at age 33, looking in the mirror is not a practice I do often. I look in the mirror when I am brushing my teeth and blow drying my hair but that is about it and it is just very functional looking. "Is my hair okay like this?" "Is that a new zit coming in?"
But last night, and maybe it has something to do with the full moon, but I was looking into myself, discovering who I am again. It felt really good.
I am looking forward to growing into these insoles and growing into myself again.

So I find my mind wanders to the people in my life as my period and anxiety approaches. I think of everybody and how they play a role. I don't know if I always got my way when I was a child, I doubt it but in adulthood I find that if I don't get my way I am frustrated. And not only frustrated but flustered; disheveled. I am beinginng to believe that it is not me or my upbringing but something much deeper.

Shitty service/human tendencies

It is so hard to find good service. I am only picky because it is what I do on a daily basis. And when I want to go out and be waited on, I want to be waited on. I want someone to care that I just showed up. I want someone to acknowledge my presence. I want whoever is waiting on me to say "hi." I would also like them to look me in the eyes and mean it, at least a little bit.