December 13, 2012

So, in response to my December 4, 2012 post, yes, it did get worse. It got much worse. Yesterday was bad. I had ominous feels of doom all day. In fact, I woke up in the middle of the night the night before last. I woke up around 4 or 5 and was awake for an hour and a half worrying. Worrying about money, worrying about if my boyfriend actually likes me as much as I like him, worrying about my job and all the restructuring going on. Yup I was wide awake. So yeah, and also, I know that I can attribute some of my craziness to the fact that I don't have enough to keep me busy. My job, especially this year, is soooo seasonal. Half the year it is difficult to have a life outside of work and half the year it is difficult to find enough to keep busy with. So I know that it isn't ALL me, I know that if I was, say, working a 9-5 job M-F that I wouldn't get so crazy. (But who is to say that I wouldn't get crazy in a different way?) (And who the hell isn't crazy, right?) But with that said I spent a good part of the day having feelings of everything is fucked. Having terrible feelings of dread. Feeling like I am going to lose my job and I am going to lose my friends and I will have to move in with my parents. Ick. And even if any of that is true. Even if I do lose my job or what have you, can't we cross that bridge when we get there? Do I really need to have these terrible feelings about things that may or may not happen? And also, what about the fact that you create the world around you with your thoughts? Am I just asking for bad weather? And if I am, why?! 3/4 of the month I feel like a normal person doing normal things and then for a week I feel psychologically terrible. Is this normal? Does this happen to other people too? Is this some sort of cleanse? Do you think these are all of the bad thoughts that I should have spent over the course of a month but overrode them with my positivity? Since I've become more aware of it, I try to head it off. I try to remind myself that it will pass and that this happens once just about every month. I try to make my communication decisions much more carefully and not just from the gut. I actually try to not communicate (I try not to sob, "hey, I think you don't like me as much as I like you.") but I don't do too well at that.
Any feed back is very welcomed. Thank you.