I'm reading like 5 different titles right now

And that's a good thing. My mind is active. Here are the different moods:

Hemingway's, The Sun Also Rises

Egger's, What is the What

Stieg Something's, The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo

Also, maybe Sudoku puzzle books to choose from and maybe titles just waiting in the hopper.

Summer is good, good, good so far.

written sometime ago.

All the distractions and entertainment eat every moment learning none to freedom, to wander, to explore and grow moving through time forever stunted and stunned perpetually. Entertainment for the sake of entertainment just to know something is being done, somebody is being entertained. Some corporation is making a little money. Some little baby was just being born. The stocks go up and go down. The kids go to school and go home. Watch TV and play video games never really realizing fully the generation ahead of them but always coming to the same conclusion in the end. Its all progress when measured in some form, when analized by the right jury in the appropriate context working for just the right people. People who are going places, people who get vacation time and have children to round out their lives. People who eventually get caught but never quite catch up to it in the end. Talking and words spout out unconsciously one after another going in circles, in cycles. So many words so little real communication, so little gets done. So scared of success, so scared of failure. So scared nobody moves. Just wait for other movement and then follows. As long as someone is doing something, applause! Cheers! Hurray! Tiny little steps to the knowing. Impossible feats found only in books and TV to the never trying. Running and jumping off cliffs, holding breaths, smiling. content. Knowing.

Swimsuits and bare skin in the sun, reflecting off of water, splashing. Vibrations. Thinking next of a snack and then of a run through the woods, maybe pick a couple of berries, mostly blueberries, some raspberries. A deer. He saw us first, standing very alert, ears at attention, wide brown eyes. Not afraid to make eye contact. he leaves, we walk again, found an old can, really old, a style that we might remember when we were 4 or 5. There are a couple of BB holes in it. Someone must have used it as a target. Lets build a fort! We have an old chair my mom will probably let us use and maybe we could use that old wood sitting by the cabin, it's been there forever. If we take these long sticks and lean them up against each other we can make a teepee. Lets just throw and old sheet on it. Ah! A toad. I almost stepped on it, (glad I didn't). He feels weird. I think he pooped in my hand. . . . . . .. clouds, sun, warm air . . .. . .. . . .. Aaaaaahhhhhh(Looking at clouds)(Laying down)(in grass)(field maybe)(long time) . . . . . . . . .. . (bugs start to bit) . .. . ... . Slap. Slap . . . .Slap. Wanna go? These bugs are bad.

big hair

She came from old money. Money that went back to the slave trade, or maybe before. And she carried it around, in her shoulders, her neck, her upper back, sometimes her joints. But mostly in her hair. She did her hair up and out and around and all over. For the last 26 years it took the form of a beehive, or something close. It was all up, high but there were variations depending on mood. If she was really stressed, had to meet with family or had to make decisions concerning money it was up high. If it was to be a day with the kids it would be sloppy. On that very rare occasion that she felt a little sexy, actually felt like a woman, she would curl her hair, just a bit, smile to herself in the mirror, feel good.

eating meat again.

so i started eating fish again. and i tried duck the other night. this is after about 8 years of not eating anything of the type. no meat or fish or any stocks or bases based on meat or fish. i did eat gelatin, which is made out of horse's hooves, because it is in so many desserts, enough said. but that's that. it all started in high school when i thought i would challenge myself to not eat any hamburgers for a while and it turned out to be really easy, so then i limited myself from more and more and finally gave up tuna fish, my favorite, around age 22 along with all stocks. so that was that. i held my ground for 8 years. yup, not eating any of that. nope. just holding my ground. and so recently that all got a little boring. stagnant. and life in general just got a little boring and lame. other people stopped delivering so i started i guess. and i started with food of course. i first just tried a bite of a co-worker's tuna melt sandwich and the tuna made my teeth squeaky clean feeling and i tasted chewy on my teeth. interesting. fun. so the next day i tried a cream of wild rice with salmon. eh. alright. i don't know if i really cared for the salmon flavor all that much. it was just strong, maybe that's the word i'm looking for, i don't know but i'm still intrigued enough to explore that again. so i couple days later i tried a friend's scallop dish. yummy. fun. i liked the texture and sort of the none flavor of it. and by the way, can we talk about the none flavor for just a second here? because then i tried duck the other night. and it tasted like meat. period. it really didn't do much for me here or there. it seems really devoid of something essential. some, maybe, energy. i don't know. so that was that until tonight. i ordered a fried grouper sandwich and ate the whole thing. after a bit i got a little headache but it passed and when i was vacuuming i was alive, that vacuum didn't own me for once. and after work i had a beer and it tasted really good and now i'm really tired and maybe some of these things can be attributed to the massive fish intake or not. but i am excited to explore again tomorrow.

what just happened?

i just messed up. the day started fine, i thought, woke up early thinking too much but ended up reading about antarctica cozily until the phone rang. i had forgotten that i made an appointment to get my windshield repaired today. the woman said it was fine that i forgot so long as i got up there right quick. with coffee and toast and ipod in hand and a plan to take a cab to the mall to shop for books, i got there right quick.

"i'll just have to make a claim with progressive," she said.

sure, sounds good. then i was on the phone.

what's my address?

when did this happen?

how big is the crack in the windshield?

when did this happen?

i gave all the wrong answers. it all happened so fast and i have never made "a claim" before. so i was denied and probably flagged as a lowly person trying to lamely commit insurance fraud. this isn't me. so the lady at the glass shop, sooo accommodating by the way, gives me all the discounts possible but it is still just too much. i can't justify $200 on a windshield that has been working just fine damaged for years now. i have to pass. i tell my apologies up and down. sideways. and exit. i tell the cab driver that i won't be needing the cab because i will be leaving with my car because i don't have enough money and i say sorry and pause. he is pissed. i apologize and offer a tip as he drives away with the passenger door still open. i am in awe of how quickly everything seems to be taking place. i walk to the far curb wishing i was still in bed. i look down at my peanut butter toast and am not hungry anymore. i crumple it up in the napkin. i glance to my left. there is a woman wearing a pantsuit standing out back her workplace smoking. we exchange unspoken knowingness. my car backs out of the shop finally. the guy had to put the windshield wipers back on and stuff like that. i hold out a $20. "i'm so sorry about that. here. buy lunch for everybody." but no, he wouldn't take it. so i got back in my car and drove around a bit, not knowing really what to do or how to chalk it all up. what the fuck just happened? in the matter of an hour i embarrassed myself in front of many people at the glass place trying to make a claim, thinking i'm sounding legit but in fact probably not at all. i piss off a guy so bad he wants to run me over. and now i am probably flagged for life for this claim that i didn't really care about in the first place. i just figured it would be the "right" thing to do after all this time. yup. gonna go get that windshield fixed. yup yup.

i'm getting back in bed.