chicago so far.

so they had a moment of silence yesterday for the polish president and everybody else that died on the plane. there were over 20, 000 people there.

just got done facebook stalking a few new friends. ugh. i got to hang out with this matt guy last night and it was great, we totally connected on so many levels and he reminded me so much of c.j. wow. but he just got engaged. it was weird, we were talking and having a great time. and he was talking so much in fact, sooooo much, i think to just keep things flowing because he knew that we were connecting a little too good here and where was it going to go anyway? no where. not now. maybe if we had met and the circumstances were different, but even then it is virtually impossible to see what is in front of you. so like, he is now in love and engaged and has a clearer view of people. like, sometimes when you are looking for something you have blinders on because you are looking for it. but when you are not looking for anything you can observe your surrounding pretty easily and pick out what is what much more clearly than you can when you are looking for something. the key: not to be looking for anything. nope. just observing.

today's the big day

that's right, we're gonna "talk."

oh that's right, we all know what that means, "talk."

"i just want to talk and straighten some things out. nothing bad."

okay. sure. what if we were talking along? what if we would both just open our mouths a bit wider on a daily basis? then what?

that's a lot of work though and if you're like me, which you are, then when something gets hard it's easier to back out, justify a quit somehow.

so we're gonna "talk" later. 6pm. it's been scheduled. it's been nailed down.

and what are we going to talk about, eh? are we going to talk about how you are still in love with your ex-wife? are we going to talk about how you think you are in love with your friend sue because she lost her husband so you perceive that she needs you because you need people to need you? and i haven't needed you, i've wanted you. i've wanted you to flirt with me, i've wanted you to stop by. i've jumped awake in hope and anticipation when i've heard the neighbor's door open and close. i've wanted you to want me. i've wanted you to share information with me. i've wanted to be more that just a cheap girlfriend on the side for you. i trusted you. you are the first person i've opened up to in so long and now you are leaving. why can't i get myself a net and catch some of these things that i would like to have? i would like to have you. i listen to you all the time. i've listened for months as you've gotten blackout drunk so you don't have to deal. i've excused your bad drunken behavior. i help you talk things out. i've had real low self esteem and am scared of backsliding. i am scared of getting sad again. sometimes my sadness lasts a real long time and it's really lonely. i am scared. i am pissed. i am pissed that i have invested so much time into this and am not getting what i want. i am pissed that you don't need me at all. i am pissed that you have soooo much, like three beautiful kids and a loving family and a good relationship with your ex and a great job and you are just dropping me. i guess i perceive that you are more privileged than me. that is false. we are equally privileged. i am pissed that it is such a small town and everybody knows everybody and i have failed again. i am pissed that this isn't the first time. i am mad that i apparently haven't recovered since the last time. i am upset with myself for not being more.

but really these are old feelings here. the past week i've really burned them up. i am prepared to take the high road. i am going to question him, without judgement, about some things. i am going to ask him about his escapism and why he hasn't been around. i am going to ask him how he really feels about his ex and about his friend. i am going to ask him about his other friends. i am going to ask him why he ever messed with me in the first place. i think we both have these rich lives that we have been searching for more outside of. and low and behold we don't need to wander further than our own backyards. that i have plenty to work with right here, right now. although, really, i want more. i want someone to share everything with. i want to share my bed. i want to wake up and have someone to talk to right away and start the day together. i want someone to hug and kiss. i want someone to ground me. i want someone to pull me out of the clouds when i start floating.

dreams last night

had a dream of a train wreck. i was on the train with other people and and we were cruising along and then we came to this part that i always thought was a bit scary, it was sort of like a roller coaster and we made it through, but on the other side were unassuming cars on the tracks. there was a mini van and another car or truck and they were coming towards us, indirectly, they didn't mean or be in the way or want to be in the way but they were and we crashed the shit out of them. immediately we, whoever i was with, could have been ryan, were on the scene and there were a couple of babies that weren't in baby seats but were laying in the back of the mini van dazed, along with everyone else that was in the car. i picked up one of the babies right away and ended up toting that baby along for the rest of the dream. at some points that baby sort of merged with my body and resembled a small sack of rice or something, but when people asked about it it would form back into a baby like it was totally cool that that happened. and then i was with ryan and i got to love him. i melted all over him and kissed and cooed on his back. he let me. i dominated him, not to have power, but because i didn't know any other way and he took it. i just needed to do it.

Stuff is piling up these days

Hello, it's been a while. An effect of this is that I am rusty on just where and how to begin and also content has been piling up. I mean pi-ling-up. So without much further a do, a list. Some things on my mind right now include the presidential debate, the weather change, my ever changing workplace, my friends, how I spend my time and why, my family, my motives, many of thoughts center on the boy I've come to taking a liking to, just in general I believe that my thoughts won't stop because I have my period and sometimes these things can get way out of fucking control. This brings up the past and how it is ever present even though it is obviously not. This brings up past boyfriends, this brings up past feelings which have been lying dormant for years, feelings that I may have forgotten even exist. Feelings that I may give too much weight to since I have the time to do so. Many thoughts on PMS in the last week and how it has affected me and my friends and my historical decision making. Thoughts on how it may have affected people I love and the decisions that have made as well. Thoughts of where I am coming from and where I am going and too much depth to all of this since it is not only irrelivant but actually in many ways out of my and everyone else's control. Always. The universe and everything else actually decides what it is you will be doing and how you will be doing it. I didn't start the fire and neither did Billy Joel. There is music. There is work. There are expectations held by family and friends. There is love and the dangers of. There is hate, which is always easy. There is baseball, thank god. There is the radio and the outside even if it is being a real bitch right now. There is the thought of next spring and how it is only 6 short months away. There is the increasing idea of dreading inevitable weather the older and less flexible I get. There is yoga, usually a safe place. There are also hiding spots in knitting and cooking and baking and reading and listening instead of talking and talking about other people's accomplishments. There is also that weird, fucking maddening feeling that comes up when you are accused of a crime you didn't commit. Or worse, not really actually being accused of that crime but you know what he really thinks about you whether or not it is based in reality and you can't do a goddamn thing about it. There is your mom asking, "well, do we get to meet Jason?" I don't know, do you? That is a question that I can not answer. These things are out of my control and I don't deal well not being in control. It upsets me. My sisters are both changing careers right now and I am sure they will do just fine by it. They are so smart and I am so proud of them. I am also so proud of my brother in law. I just love him. I went and talked to a mortgage broker the other day and learned nothing I didn't already know. I know I don't want to purchase a house by myself with the unsteady job I have. I know I want a better job that makes me feel better about myself. I think the only job that that would be is to be a mother. I can imagine much satisfaction getting hired for the job to be a mother and take care of children and spouse. That is what I want. This is my declaration. I want to live with somebody. I want to reel my feelings in and get them under control and share my life with somebody. I want the security of being married to somebody. I want health care. I want someone to be affected if I get sick. I want joint funds. I want to discuss large financial purchases with somebody else. I want to not feel, for once in years like I am running for my life. I want to feel safe. I want to be cared for. I want to care for as well.

steve jobs

so over the last several weeks i have come across articles online about steve jobs, the creator of apple, ipods, pads, phones, among many other things too. i have read these articles and enjoyed them. how knew that being attracted to calligraphy in college would change the way i very these typed words right now. and that is all good and fine. i respect the guy. i didn't know much about he until he had died and the articles have flown freely.

now here is my point.

i start sobbing. sobbing. heaving. out of no where, crying, shedding tears. this, coming from a person who doesn't react to much. i take it all in and breath it all out again, day in and day out and that is fine. my boss is a jerk and that is fine. i don't always get out of people what i want and that is fine. blah, blah, blah, i get thru the day relatively untouched on average. and maybe i am over simplifying it all but really, steve jobs is just another name of another untouchable person that i will never have known but am strangely affected by his story.

i sob. and am oddly interested in how and why, it doesn't make sense.

infinitely interesting.

have you ever turned into a person you hate, just so you won't hate them anymore?

my job doesn't give a fuck about my opinions.

that's right. my job doesn't give a fuck about my opinions. not even the little ones. not even the opinions about, say, how the day is. nothing. people ask me how i am as an obligation and don't wait to hear the answer. and i wonder why i think i deserve this. i wonder why i am so fucking surprised. well, isn't that the american dream? that everyone be heard? isn't that what we are brought up with, that everyone counts and everyone is a person? we live in a democracy where everybody has a say, or at least it feels like that and maybe it only feels like that to me because i am a priveleged, white, middle class female, but whatever the case, i can't get fucking beyond this whole idea of not including me and not recognizing me as a worthwhile person. i was brought up in a place where everybody got to talk and share but not at my job. the boss is the only person who gets to talk, everybody else gets to talk thru him or for him and that is it. bullshit.