today's the big day

that's right, we're gonna "talk."

oh that's right, we all know what that means, "talk."

"i just want to talk and straighten some things out. nothing bad."

okay. sure. what if we were talking along? what if we would both just open our mouths a bit wider on a daily basis? then what?

that's a lot of work though and if you're like me, which you are, then when something gets hard it's easier to back out, justify a quit somehow.

so we're gonna "talk" later. 6pm. it's been scheduled. it's been nailed down.

and what are we going to talk about, eh? are we going to talk about how you are still in love with your ex-wife? are we going to talk about how you think you are in love with your friend sue because she lost her husband so you perceive that she needs you because you need people to need you? and i haven't needed you, i've wanted you. i've wanted you to flirt with me, i've wanted you to stop by. i've jumped awake in hope and anticipation when i've heard the neighbor's door open and close. i've wanted you to want me. i've wanted you to share information with me. i've wanted to be more that just a cheap girlfriend on the side for you. i trusted you. you are the first person i've opened up to in so long and now you are leaving. why can't i get myself a net and catch some of these things that i would like to have? i would like to have you. i listen to you all the time. i've listened for months as you've gotten blackout drunk so you don't have to deal. i've excused your bad drunken behavior. i help you talk things out. i've had real low self esteem and am scared of backsliding. i am scared of getting sad again. sometimes my sadness lasts a real long time and it's really lonely. i am scared. i am pissed. i am pissed that i have invested so much time into this and am not getting what i want. i am pissed that you don't need me at all. i am pissed that you have soooo much, like three beautiful kids and a loving family and a good relationship with your ex and a great job and you are just dropping me. i guess i perceive that you are more privileged than me. that is false. we are equally privileged. i am pissed that it is such a small town and everybody knows everybody and i have failed again. i am pissed that this isn't the first time. i am mad that i apparently haven't recovered since the last time. i am upset with myself for not being more.

but really these are old feelings here. the past week i've really burned them up. i am prepared to take the high road. i am going to question him, without judgement, about some things. i am going to ask him about his escapism and why he hasn't been around. i am going to ask him how he really feels about his ex and about his friend. i am going to ask him about his other friends. i am going to ask him why he ever messed with me in the first place. i think we both have these rich lives that we have been searching for more outside of. and low and behold we don't need to wander further than our own backyards. that i have plenty to work with right here, right now. although, really, i want more. i want someone to share everything with. i want to share my bed. i want to wake up and have someone to talk to right away and start the day together. i want someone to hug and kiss. i want someone to ground me. i want someone to pull me out of the clouds when i start floating.