Stuff is piling up these days

Hello, it's been a while. An effect of this is that I am rusty on just where and how to begin and also content has been piling up. I mean pi-ling-up. So without much further a do, a list. Some things on my mind right now include the presidential debate, the weather change, my ever changing workplace, my friends, how I spend my time and why, my family, my motives, many of thoughts center on the boy I've come to taking a liking to, just in general I believe that my thoughts won't stop because I have my period and sometimes these things can get way out of fucking control. This brings up the past and how it is ever present even though it is obviously not. This brings up past boyfriends, this brings up past feelings which have been lying dormant for years, feelings that I may have forgotten even exist. Feelings that I may give too much weight to since I have the time to do so. Many thoughts on PMS in the last week and how it has affected me and my friends and my historical decision making. Thoughts on how it may have affected people I love and the decisions that have made as well. Thoughts of where I am coming from and where I am going and too much depth to all of this since it is not only irrelivant but actually in many ways out of my and everyone else's control. Always. The universe and everything else actually decides what it is you will be doing and how you will be doing it. I didn't start the fire and neither did Billy Joel. There is music. There is work. There are expectations held by family and friends. There is love and the dangers of. There is hate, which is always easy. There is baseball, thank god. There is the radio and the outside even if it is being a real bitch right now. There is the thought of next spring and how it is only 6 short months away. There is the increasing idea of dreading inevitable weather the older and less flexible I get. There is yoga, usually a safe place. There are also hiding spots in knitting and cooking and baking and reading and listening instead of talking and talking about other people's accomplishments. There is also that weird, fucking maddening feeling that comes up when you are accused of a crime you didn't commit. Or worse, not really actually being accused of that crime but you know what he really thinks about you whether or not it is based in reality and you can't do a goddamn thing about it. There is your mom asking, "well, do we get to meet Jason?" I don't know, do you? That is a question that I can not answer. These things are out of my control and I don't deal well not being in control. It upsets me. My sisters are both changing careers right now and I am sure they will do just fine by it. They are so smart and I am so proud of them. I am also so proud of my brother in law. I just love him. I went and talked to a mortgage broker the other day and learned nothing I didn't already know. I know I don't want to purchase a house by myself with the unsteady job I have. I know I want a better job that makes me feel better about myself. I think the only job that that would be is to be a mother. I can imagine much satisfaction getting hired for the job to be a mother and take care of children and spouse. That is what I want. This is my declaration. I want to live with somebody. I want to reel my feelings in and get them under control and share my life with somebody. I want the security of being married to somebody. I want health care. I want someone to be affected if I get sick. I want joint funds. I want to discuss large financial purchases with somebody else. I want to not feel, for once in years like I am running for my life. I want to feel safe. I want to be cared for. I want to care for as well.