Things inevitably change.

I talked to my dad today. I knew something was going on. I heard it in my mom's voice. She said that he took today and tomorrow off of work and she stopped there; didn't explain anything else. It is her nature to gush about everything so.... I called my dad. He is good. His job is changing. His position is being eliminated. He is 55 and has rheumatoid arthritis. He has had it since he was 30. He has had several surgeries for eliminate lumps that limit his movement. He told me this year he feels older. My mom has been helping him off the couch. She also helps him get his sweatshirt off. He can't really lift his arms up over his head.
Fortunately he has been with the company now for 28 odd years and they are giving him options that he will weigh over the next couple of weeks. He can either be demoted and go back to driving a truck. This includes heavy lifting and lots of bending at the knees not to mention being on call and possibly having to go out at anytime of the day or night. Or he can retire.
My dad says that both him and my mom have great 401ks and he also has some sort of profit sharing that would last him a handful of years. He said after a year or two or so of being retired maybe he would get a little part time job, like stocking shelves at the grocery store.
It is had for me to picture my dad stocking shelves at a grocery store. He has worked for Ferrellgas since I was 5. I never thought I would see the day where my dad is retiring. That is so weird. In so many ways I feel that my life is still starting. I guess I feel like that because I don't have kids yet but I have always thought that I would and I still think that...... It is easy to think that you are invincible. It is easy to think, "yeah, I am going to have kids some day."
Now I am just blabbing. Basically it is weird to think of my parents aging, I never think of that. I never think of myself as aging either. It is a slight shocker to suddenly realize that they may need me and I don't know how much I can be there for them.

today we realized......

Today we realized that back in the late 90's when MTV had that contest to have a new host for the show and the guy that won was a hipster, the first hipster to go main stream and it was all over from there. You know? Do you remember that? He was on tv wearing silly outfits and not really speaking in full sentences or even words and they kept the cameras on him. I remember thinking, "ha, okay, any minute they will cut to something else because obviously this guy is just ridiculous and is a liablity to the success of MTV........" (I thought something along those lines.) But they didn't. They let him run the show. He was on day in and day out just making a silly fool out of himself. This was the same time period my family got a computer and dial-up internet. This was the same time chat rooms were born. I remember choosing a chat room to go into and there were many options on different topics being discussed, however, I soon realized that the topics didn't corrospond with the rooms. I remember choosing a "music" room to chat in and entering the room and seeing the conversations going on. It was anything but music. It was kids swearing and talking shit to each other. I was really surprised. And this was another event that opened my mind to the future. In the 15 or so years since it has gotten worse and worse. (Or better and better I suppose, depending on how you look at it.) But I am watching network tv right now and it is awful. Just really terribly done. Basically this post is really rambling but what I think is that the way we communicate with each other and our values as a society has shifted drastically in a short period of time. Interesting.

what I really want

I guess what I really want is a cabin.
With a boat.
And a swing set.
Green grass.
A clean, very swim friendly lake.
Great neighbors.
Woods.
Lots of birds and animals.
Quiet.

Going to the cities.

I used to do it a lot. Like every week when Alison had just moved back from Florida and I was so glad to have her so close and so I would go down all the time. Just for fun, just for the drive. But she is getting married in October. Her and her boyfriend live together and have for a while now. So she doesn't need me as much, or rather, she needs me in a different way now. Also I have been seeing someone so my tendencies have calmed a bit. I love that he goes to bed early and I am welcome to join him in that. It is so comforting to just call it a day and go to bed. I have been blessed. But I might just be getting a bit too comfortable just going to bed early; not getting crazy at all. So I think I am going to the cities today on a whim. I will go shopping, eat out, see my sister, reclaim some of my single life back because, lets me real here, even though all I want is to settle down and spend my time with the guy I love, it may not be all he wants.

This is an ad.

So yesterday I went to the Good Feet store. I saw the ad on tv, the guy seemed very honest and likable so I went there, we tried on some insoles and I bought some. I wore them around yesterday and by the end of the day I was looking in the mirror thinking about how pretty I am.
I have done that before.
Maybe more as a teenager, when my body and emotions were changing all the time. I think everybody does that. I would sit in front of the mirror everyday, curious about who I am and what I was becoming.
But lately, at age 33, looking in the mirror is not a practice I do often. I look in the mirror when I am brushing my teeth and blow drying my hair but that is about it and it is just very functional looking. "Is my hair okay like this?" "Is that a new zit coming in?"
But last night, and maybe it has something to do with the full moon, but I was looking into myself, discovering who I am again. It felt really good.
I am looking forward to growing into these insoles and growing into myself again.

So I find my mind wanders to the people in my life as my period and anxiety approaches. I think of everybody and how they play a role. I don't know if I always got my way when I was a child, I doubt it but in adulthood I find that if I don't get my way I am frustrated. And not only frustrated but flustered; disheveled. I am beinginng to believe that it is not me or my upbringing but something much deeper.

Shitty service/human tendencies

It is so hard to find good service. I am only picky because it is what I do on a daily basis. And when I want to go out and be waited on, I want to be waited on. I want someone to care that I just showed up. I want someone to acknowledge my presence. I want whoever is waiting on me to say "hi." I would also like them to look me in the eyes and mean it, at least a little bit.