Adulthood.

What is it? Is it an age? Is it a feeling?
Are you an adult at 33 with a seasonal job who is paying the bills but not putting anything away for later? Are you an adult if you are still sort of living day to day?
When does adulthood come?
Is adulthood a privelege?
Am I the new poor?
Am I poor and just have never realized it?
Are opportunities only for the rich?
Do opportunities only come to those who already have all the opportunities?

To the Co-op in Duluth Minnesota, if you'd like.

Hi,
I visit you most days and most days it is an interesting extravaganza.
Mostly I usually feel clasterphobic.
To running into people you know, (which is great, sometimes, but sometimes you just want to grab some food at the grocery store) to having to entertain people you don't know (check out clerks that won't check you out unless you give them a smile or appease them with a story about your day......)
And now is where we get to the bitching part.
I hate that. I just want to buy these groceries and go. These groceries that are most expensive than the average groceries. Can I do that? Do you mind if I drink this coffee before I start telling you about my day? Actually, scratch that, can I just keep my day to myself? Please? Because really, all I came in for was the coffee and snack. I seriously did not show up here for you to brighten my day. In fact, I thought my day was pretty dang good until I had to diminish it's value and put it into words for you.
And if I don't just through the hoops, then I am being rude.
Fuck that.
Maybe I am just a private person.
Maybe you have to check me out (ring up my food) 50 times before I will share something. And maybe it will be worth it because by then I will have had 50 different interactions to decide what to say to you and how. By then it will be a much more personal and fulfilling experience.
So please, if you want to really get to know me, leave me alone. We will talk soon. I will be in again and you will be working again and I am sure we will have to interact again.
Ugh.
Thanks co-op, your food is great :)
Love,
Shanna

An Open Letter to the Lady at the Co-op

Hi,
I'm sorry your day and/or life isn't turning out how you thought it might. Really, sorry. That sucks. I often find myself less than satisfied with life as well. But did yelling at me make it any better? I bet it made it worse :(
I don't feel that it is necessary to be overly "nice" to everyone. That is lame and a waste of energy if you ask me. Life is short and I will treat you like a person, not a over entitled god. I saw a large cart full of groceries and nobody manning it while lines of people were waiting to check out. Am I the "really rude" one to step up and keep things flowing? How was I to know that you would appear seconds later. Maybe you were the rude one for holding up the place and jumping in line before you were ready.
I mean really lady.
Take a step back and breath a bit.
I had like 5 things in my basket. Me stepping up literally cost you like a total of a minute. Literally.
I am glad and surprised that I didn't react, I usual do. With a hurt reaction or a defensive reaction or surprised reaction. But I just looked over at you and said "what?" And you looked away. And the situation was defused. And I continued what I was doing. And you are probably still mad.
I am sorry. Really, I mean it. It sucks to feel that way and like I said before, god knows I've felt that way. Lucky me, this time it was someone else feeling like that :)
Take care, take a breath, slow down.
love,
Shanna

Here we are, August 5th. The babies have been born. It is 65 degrees out. What now?

At the Burrito Union right now. It is loud, terribly loud and slightly obnoxious but, for some reason, doesn't bother me tonight. The twins game is on late (they are playing in Los Angeles) and they are winning :)
My vision is going. I am 33 and 2/3 and I squint to see the count on the tv screen. I also, at times, take whatever I am reading, like a menu or an id, and hold it preculiarly far from my face. I just had my eyes tested (by a handsome young married man) and they were the same as they ever were.
Last night I went to a baby shower where we drank a ton of wine but truly today I feel like a new person. It was awesome! I forgot how much I love all of those people :) So much fun.
Brian Dozier is batting. I like him.
Anyway, I want to go pick berries tomorrow :)

Saw an old guy with a NAVY hat on today. I was at the hospital with my dad, his heart is giving him trouble. This guy was waiting, like everyone, to be seen. I couldn't help but make assumptions about who he is and what his ideals may be. As soon as he openly started snapping at his wife about trivial things I assumed he may be nervous about his medical condition. I also assumed that he has lived his life "the way he was supposed to." I assumed he was brought up in an atmosphere of patriotism and such. I assumed being in the Navy for a few years was his biggest accomplishment. Bigger than spending his life with his wife. Bigger than having kids.
He has lived his life according to want he thinks he "should" do instead of what he "wants" to do or "believes" he should do. Though his aggressive interactions with his wife it appeared as if he was never told that he matters. He was never loved like everybody deserves to be.

Remember when you and I drove my van down to Austin for SXSW? And that time you were really little and there was this tub in the yard for some reason, it was a rental, and the tub was flush with the ground and full of water and you stumbled in and mom started running towards you, it was across the whole yard, and I started running too. She, bring bigger, got to you first and you were sort of gaspy for air. You had only been under water for a handful of seconds but it didn't matter, we were coming for you.
Or what about that time I thought I would set a personal goal of jumping off the swing set and landing in between the railroad tie and the propane tank, which ran parallel to each other. Yeah. I accomplished my goal you know. Too bad my face continued on into the tank tho. You, super wide eyed, were shocked; had seen the whole thing, stared in awe, couldn't believe it had happened, frozen until I put you into motion,, turned toward you with my bloody face. You ran faster than you knew you could to the house. I, disoriented, walked calmly to the house with my palm cupped under my chin catching the blood dripping thinking that was the right thing to do when in reality, it didn't matter if blood got on the grass.
This reminds me of that time in like 7th grade when all is girls gathered to watch the boys play football and when we quickly got bored we started playing that game where you make each other faint. Laura Z was supposed to catch me but apparently I swerved the opposite if obvious and bounced my head off the black top. I dreamed of "hey Mickey you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey … Hey Mickey!" And when I woke up, seconds later, everybody was gathered around looking down at me concerned. Then, like out of a sweet movie I started to get up then stopped, "what happened?"… On my bike ride home my eyes crossed and I couldn't see, I walked my bike and cried. It all worked out fine tho :)